母女情：一个职业妈妈的悔过书- 写给女儿十八岁 / 中英文

英文版在后面。

这篇文章是2015年我女儿十八岁生日时写的，后来被不少网站转发。现特整理出来分享给《简书》的读者。

我女儿也很骄傲地让她很多的朋友们读了，而且最近她还经常鼓励我多写，说是可以让更多的年轻人受益。这就是我这个懒妈妈的伎俩：基本上什么事情也不做，写写东西就让我的孩子们感动励志。

如果你喜欢，也不妨试试我的这种散养教育。

另外，我新开启了一个文集《职业家庭系列-有爱有梦有付出》，欢迎阅读。

明后天我还会发以前写的另外一篇因女儿十八岁而写给妈妈的文章，期待和大家分享。

前言

本不想把自己的个人生活故事跟职业生活混在一起，还在这儿公布于众。不过越来越发现，起码对我来说，生活充满了各种颜色，充满了快乐和颠簸的人生阶段，就个人和职业生活所做的选择形成的结果对生活整体而言无法分开。职业生涯就是人生的一部分。

有两大理由让我决定在这里发表这篇关于自己个人经历和情感的短文。

其一，我知道有很多职场女性每天都在为自己的选择困惑。经常有人问我怎么样才能（一个人）带好孩子，还能事业成功。我想说，我的个人经历不一定能给到多少直接的帮助。但至少你们可以知道：虽然不容易，但是你也一定有希望做到。

其二，这是比较自私的理由，但很重要。今年我女儿刚过18岁，她很快将要离家回美国上大学。我想借此平台给自己卸下负担上交一份职业妈妈的悔过书，借此告诉女儿...... 不说了，还是请您自己看吧。

如果您喜欢我的故事，或者您觉得这篇文章可以给您关心的人一些启示和鼓励，那就请您毫不吝啬地传播分享。

母女情：一个职业妈妈的悔过书

- 写给女儿十八岁

一直以来，我已习惯被我女儿称为“世上最糟的妈妈” 。对这一谴责，我很难为自己辩护。因为我已不记得她何时说出第一个字，她说的第一个字是中文，英语，德语还是湖南话。我不记得她先叫爸爸还是妈妈。不记得 她什么时候可以坐起，翻身和走路。我对女儿上学第一天的唯一记忆来自于她老师发来的一张下校车时带着微笑的照片。更糟糕的是，女儿出生后，因为我不顾自己 母乳严重不足而坚持只用母乳喂养，我让她的人生始于饥饿。别的婴儿一周长胖半斤，而我硬把她的体重从出生时的六斤半降到了两周后的五斤出头！她夜半饿醒 时，我曾经盯着手表让她哭了十五分钟直到她在绝望中睡去。如果当年不是我的母亲终于发怒出手以奶粉相救，后果不堪设想。...... 也许最糟糕的是，这十八年里，因为工作出差，我甚至都不记得我一共错过了女儿多少次生日，包括这一次：她十八岁生日那天，她在上海，而我将在阿根廷度过。

尽管这十八年来我可能对女儿干了很多傻事错事，也忘了关于女儿成长的很多点点滴滴的细节，好在我从来没有忘记过爱她，我深深地爱她丝毫不亚于任何世上最好妈妈给儿女的爱。

而且我也有记得的事情，无数刻骨铭心的时刻，那些会陪伴我到生命尽头的回忆。

我记得我和她爸爸一起告诉她，她的爸妈将要离婚，她和妈妈将要搬家的时刻。那时她两岁半。她不懂得什么叫做离婚，但是她知道这将是很大很大的事 情。她美丽无辜的双眼马上巡视客厅的四周，她胖胖的小手开始收捡身边的玩具和娃娃，边捡边跟她的娃娃轻轻地说话，好像她在跟她的娃娃们分享这个消息，但又不想惊吓到她们。用她最甜美的声音她充满疑惑地问：“我可以带走我的所有宝贝吗？” 她爸爸用一只手楼住她，另一只手指着自己的胸腔说，“除了爸爸，这里的一切都会随你离去。” 她爸爸和我哭做一团，女儿不知道应该给谁擦眼泪，也不知道往何处寻求援助。那天我和她爸爸发誓，不管我们去何方，不管我们俩人未来怎样，我们会全心全意爱 她，永远不让她再受委屈。

我记得我在美国第一次送女儿上幼儿园的情景。我相信很多父母都会记得自己孩子第一次上幼儿园的那天。不过我对那天甚至那些日子的记忆现在回想起来仍然有泪。

当年我和她爸爸在上海协议离婚，女儿归我抚养。后来我有机会到美国去工作。去之前我先把女儿送到她瑞士的爷爷奶奶的家，自身来到美国打点。等我工作接手、找好房子、买好家具，回瑞士接女儿时，她心里一定对这个半陌生的妈妈已经心存戒备。我带着她二〇〇一年三月三十一号星期六到达美国。那时她已经忘了中文， 不会英语，只讲一口流利的瑞士德语。在她不到四岁的心灵里，已经经历了这么多分离，小小年纪几个月时间里住了三个大洲，宠爱她的亲人天各一方。

我们一起过了一个星期天。我还纠结着不知跟她用德语还是中文说话，或是尽量让她快些学会英语，周一早晨很快就到了。我可怜的女儿还不知身在何处， 不知黑白昼夜，甚至不知我到底是谁，清晨六点半，她被这个天下最冷酷的妈妈叫醒。我们匆匆忙忙洗漱，吃早餐，收拾好东西，然后我就把她抱进了车里。开车， 出发，去了鲁妮校长向我保证过女儿一定会在我晚上接她之前就高兴起来的R&R幼儿园。在女儿来之前我已经考察了多个幼儿园，决定了这个幼儿园后又和校长老师做过多次沟通。鲁妮老师再三强调，如果我想让女儿适应幼儿园的生活，就一定要舍得放手。如果我送她时婆婆妈妈、犹豫不决，就会让孩子加长分离的焦虑不安和适应时间。

我们到达后五分钟，鲁妮示意让我离开。我也必须走了。早上公司有会要开，我必须去工作挣钱，开始正式面对自己单亲妈妈的人生。我搂着我亲爱的可怜 的小丫头，看着她的眼睛一字一字认真地说，“妈妈要走了，但是天黑之前妈妈一定会回来接你的。” 那时的女儿心里一定已经在想，每一个爱的人都离开了，外公外婆，爷爷奶奶，爸爸，甚至这个陌生的妈妈。谁知道他们是否就会把自己仍在这里不管了。那时的她 一个英文字也不会。一副恐惧的模样，两只小手紧紧抓住我不放。我再搂紧她一次后就坚定地把她的手从我身上掰开，当我迈出第一步时，立即听到她伤心欲绝的哭 声，我回头偷看了一眼，她的小脸蛋上全是眼泪。我走到停车场还听到她的哭声，我一路开车去公司，一整天开会时脑子里都是她伤心的哭声。我不记得自己那天上班如何开始，如何结束，一整天都干了些什么，但我到今天都清楚地记得启动车子离开学校时看到的教室窗后女儿紧紧趴在玻璃上的十指以及十指间那流满眼泪的无辜的小脸。

… ...

我也记得我们朝夕相处的很多无关紧要的小事：我开车时她会教我新学的歌，然后我们一起唱，那时候她还不怎么嫌弃我的节拍不准。我们去购物时她总是帮我推车，尽管车子比她还大。我记得她的无数次钢琴演出。记得她七岁时就会自己开闹钟早上起床，如果作业没做完，她会把闹钟开到早上五点。我记得七岁半的 她第一次单独飞过大西洋到瑞士过圣诞节，我送她到登机口看着她背着背包搂着她的小兔子姜儿的身影在我面前一步一回头地消失。她小小年纪就显得非常坚强，但后来我知道她曾在飞机里独自悄悄地流泪。我记得她弟弟出生时她写的好多和弟弟有关的作文，譬如描述她最快乐的一天，或者她世上最爱的人儿。我也记得她在母亲节带着弟弟给我采摘的野花和端到我床头的早餐。

女儿十岁时，有一天我问她心中有没有一个榜样，并让她思考自己将来想成为什么样的人。那个时候我对女儿的音乐天赋还抱有很大的希望。她很小学琴， 得过不少奖，从师过非常权威的中美俄钢琴教授，他们都告诉我她对音乐的理解，读谱，听觉超常。而且她也近距离见过不少有名的大师级的音乐家，包括郎朗在休 斯顿演出时还曾经来家里做客。我满心期待地想让女儿受到感染和启示并且有愿望去成就我自己干不了的大事。可是那天她说：“妈妈，我以后就想像你那样。你很 酷，也很成功。”

领悟到言传身教和日积月累对我女儿的影响要远远超出任何蜻蜓点水般的名人效应，我听了这句话仍然震撼，受到鼓舞的同时也深感惭愧。女儿说这话又过了八年。就因为她的这句话，我知道自己将永不放弃努力并坚持不懈地去做更好的自己。

女儿的这句话加上几年前我母亲在美国时对我女儿说的一番感叹属于我这辈子听到的最美丽的词句。那天我们三代人逛完商店回来大包小包地往厨房堆。其 中多半东西都是给女儿买的。母亲突然对我女儿说：“孩子，你知不知道你多幸运！你看你的妈妈可以给你一切，让你所有梦想成真。而你妈妈小时候却一无所有， 因为她的妈妈什么也无法给她。” 我听了想哭。母亲应该知道她虽一无所有，却给了我今天的一切的基础。母亲给了我她所有的爱、毫无保留的爱。

尽管这些年来，我也总认为我对我女儿有许多欠缺，但我知道我早已倾我所有所能地爱她。我对她百般呵护甚至娇惯，甚至依赖。因为她不仅给我带来了生命的意义，她也经常在我最脆弱时给我温暖和鼓励。她小时候，我开车迷路时，她会在后座轻轻地歌唱让我宽心和镇定。长大了，当我因为工作或搬迁甚至情感上碰 到压力和困扰时，她会对我说：“妈妈，你行的。这点小事难不到你。” 其实，因为女儿的顽强，自信，坚韧不拔，她对家和弟弟的责任心，她对美的追求，她对世间人和事的爱心，使我经常暗暗提醒自己向女儿学习，并时刻感受到她的 鼓舞。

再过两天就是女儿十八岁的生日，我又一次出差旅行不在她的身边，我一边在飞机里写这些文字，一边想着她。想起她嘴上又会跟人说我是世上最糟糕的妈妈，我只有会心一笑。因为我能感觉到我们彼此之间心灵的温暖和信任。十八年来，虽然生活给了女儿很多磨练，我也让她过早地经历坎坷，可是我庆幸自己一直在 守护她，并能见证她像一株小树茁壮顽强美丽地成长。

而今我的女儿虽然长大，大得已经比我高出大半个头，我们一起散步时她会自然地勾住我的肩膀，她将上大学开始走自己的人生，我们将聚少离多......可我仍然感激自己起码还能继续默默地仰视她，还能在幸福中期待她的生命更加美丽地绽放，期待她拥抱日月星光，开花结果，从此快乐翱翔。而我，虽然我是很糟的妈妈，但无论何时何地，有她的 地方，就永远会有我心中的骄傲和牵挂。

（完）

读完这篇，欢迎大家读我刚写的《生命的延续》，你就可以理解我为什么要坚持写作。谢谢。

原稿用英文写于二〇一三年四月十七日，女儿十六岁生日前，上海往阿姆斯特丹途中

本中文稿写于二〇一五年四月二十一日，女儿十八岁生日前，上海经旧金山经休斯顿往布宜诺斯艾利斯途中

Intro:

I did not mean to mix my professional life with my personal life here on LinkedIn*. But life, as it increasingly turns out to be, and luckily for me, a colorful mix of many happy and emotional phases involving countless professional and personal decisions, often with inseparable consequences.

Two main reasons triggered me to share my personal experience and thoughts here today.

For one reason, I know there are many professional women out there facing tough career and family choices everyday. To those that have approached me with the question how I raise my children (alone) while being successful at what I do: I am not sure how much my own story could help you, but please do know that while it's not easy, hope is indeed there, even for single mothers.

The other reason is a selfish one but is most important to me: My daughter just turned 18, is leaving home for college in a few short months, and she has recently registered a Linkedin account! (And now, her new life too, begins in this semi-professional and personal mix.) I mainly want to borrow this forum to come clean, and let her know that... Well, please read it yourself.

If you liked my essay, and feel that it relates to you or someone you care about, please feel free to share it.

Mother and Daughter: A Professional Mother's Guilty Confession

I have been called “the worst mother in the world” by my own daughter. And I can hardly argue against the accusation. I don’t remember when she pronounced the first word and whether the word was in Chinese, English, German or maybe Hunan dialect. I don’t remember when she first sat up, started crawling or walking. I don’t remember her first sleepover. Even worse, I hardly remember her first day of school except her beautiful smile in a picture taken by her teacher when she got off the school bus… And maybe the worst, I don’t remember how many of her birthdays I missed because of my business travels.

Despite all the moments that I have forgotten, there are some moments I do remember, moments that I will carry to the end of my life, moments that make me love her deeply, and so much more.

I remember the day when we told her her dad and I were splitting and I was going to move out with her. She was two and half. She started looking around the house with her bright innocent eyes, her chubby little hands picking up her dolls and toys one by one while talking to them gently as if she would frighten them with the news. With her sweetest voice she asked if she could take with her all her treasures. Her papa answered, holding her in his one arm while pointing to his own heart with the other empty hand: “Everything will go with you, everything except me.” Her father and I started crying like babies, our daughter did not know whose tears to wipe and which way she should look for help. We vowed we'd love her forever and ever with all we have, no matter what would happen to us, no matter where we would go.

I remember the day I dropped her off for the first time at her day care center in Denville, New Jersey. After staying a few months with her grandparents in Switzerland, I picked her up to join me in America on Saturday, March 31, 2001. By then she had already forgotten her first language Chinese, and spoke only Swiss German. Her own mother had become half a stranger because I had chosen to come to America alone in order to first find a house and settle down before picking her up to join me. She was just about to turn four. We spent our Sunday together to try to get acquainted again, including trying to figure out in which language to communicate with each other.

On Monday morning, my poor daughter, still jet-lagged and confused, hardly knew where she was, with whom she was, was awaken at 6:30 by this cruelest and worst mother in the world. We rushed to feed ourselves, get our stuff ready, and I carried her to the car. Off we went… to the day care center, to dear Ms. N who had assured me many times that my daughter would have no problem adjusting to her new life in R&R Day Care and would love it before the end of the day. I spent five minutes with her in R&R before Ms. N encouraged me to leave.

I had to leave anyway. I had to go to work and make my living to support the two of us. My sweet innocent little girl was left there with only strangers. She had already seen every dear one leave her in the past few months. In her mind she must be thinking, “What if she would never come back to pick me up? What’s next for me?” She spoke no word of English. She was fearful. The little thing wrapped her arms around my legs tightly but I had to force to her let go of me. Tears were rolling down her sweet cheeks as I took my first firm step to walk away. I heard her all the way to the car, all the way to the office... to the meetings in the day. I don’t remember how my day ended. To this day I still remember that vivid picture of her beautiful face pressing between her ten little fingers against the window, crying, helplessly trying to reach her mom.

I remember a lot of trivia things: us singing together in the car while I was driving; her pushing the shopping cart following me while I walked around to look for items; her many beautiful piano recitals; her setting up her own alarm to do homework in the middle of the night at age 7; her flying as unaccompanied minor across the ocean to Switzerland at 7 and half; her full-hearted joy and pure happiness at the birth of her little brother; the flowers and breakfast she and her brother brought to me bed on Mother's Days.

And I remember that when she was about 10, I asked her to look up to someone as a role model. She answered, “I just want to be like you, mommy. You are cool and successful.”

How can I ever forget that? I am forever inspired by her powerful endorsement. And because of it, I know I will never stop finding yet my better self.

Those words, along with what my own dear mother of infinite strength once said to my daughter, remain the most beautiful words I have ever heard in my life. My mother said to my daughter in my presence, “You are such a lucky girl, Anna! You have a most enabling mother that can give you everything, while your mother’s mother could not afford her anything when she was growing up." She made me tear. Little does my mother know that she did give me everything I needed in life - the only thing that really mattered: love, unconditional love!

Despite all the things I did not do right for my daughter, I have always loved and love her unconditionally to the extent I understand what love is. I adore her. She and her brother have given me the meaning of life. She gives me courage in my most difficult times. When I felt uncertain about some decisions I had to make, she would say, “Come on mom, just get on with it. You are fine. You will do great!” In her high school years, I find myself increasingly looking up to her as a role model for all her fine qualities: her discipline, her sense of responsibility, her pursuit of perfection, her never giving up, her trust in me, and most importantly, her love and care for her family and people around her.

How the years have gone by in a flash! On the edge of her eighteenth birthday, I am in the airplane flying somewhere on business, and I am thinking of her, feeling terrible for having to yet miss her last birthday before her adulthood. She might say once again (justifiably) that I’m the worst mother ever. She is set to leave home to start her freshman year in Georgetown University after this summer. I don't know when I will be able to celebrate her birthday with her again. I am sad, I am happy, and I am proud. I am privileged to have accompanied her, and watched her flourish to this day. She blossoms as the most beautiful flower in my vision.

Her life is about to take wings right in front of me. With tender care, and in distance, I shall watch her ebb and flow. I know I must let her go, I will no longer rush to wipe her tears and tend to her wounds. But she shall know that no matter when and where, I will always be there, for her.

As time goes by, I will want to be like her, just like she has wanted to be like me back then.

On these thoughts, I feel my own tears with a smile, above the clouds, in this blue sky.

(End)

*Linkedin is the world's largest professional networking website. This article was first published there.

Originally written on April 17, 2013, in flight from Shanghai to Amsterdam, 6 days before Anna's 16th birthday

Updated on April 21, 2015, in flight from Shanghai to Buenos Aires, 2 days before Anna's 18th birthday