随笔

Hi L,

I have been feeling a bit underwater lately. It must be the stress I laid on my shoulder. I am getting sick of not achieving anything. I feel like I am becoming me once again. The one who can never be satisfied by himself. I want to achieve more. I knew I could do so much better as long as I wish to.

It has been almost half a year since I started to work here. I can't help to realize how little I have achieved. I want recognition and goal. A purpose to fight for. I am sick of being no one. I am sick of feeling no passion in life. I have set up a meeting with my supervisor the day after tomorrow. I hope that we could come up with something to keep me going. I REALLY need a purpose... something to fight for something to hold on to.

I have been thinking lately, about the past, the present, and the future. Not about me, but a general human being. I realized something is off. On one hand, I firmly believed that the present status of a human being is the consequence of the past experience, environment and etc. In other words, your past defines who you are. Yet, meanwhile, I also want to shake the burden of the past off my future Mrs. Right's shoulder. I want to let her know that regardless of your pass, all that I am caring for are the present and futures we are gonna build. 

Wait... I think I just solve the puzzle! The truth is not that I don't care. It is because I don't want it to be the burden the chain down my partner! and the truth is I do care! I am desperate to change the pass. Yet I knew I won't be able to and I knew if I act like it I would end up creating more pressure for my partner. Therefore, I choose to lie... to lie to myself.

I can't believe I did that again... Lying to myself again... in the name of love... How many times will I go down to this water...

Anyway.. I am getting tired. Hope to hear from you soon.

Best wishes,

Yours'

J