20岁生日

昨天我过了20年以来最好的生日。以及没错，我20了，不再是一个青少年了。

小天使带着我去旧金山看完Hamilton刚回到家。距离音乐剧结束已经4个小时了，我整个人又累又激动，开心感激又想睡觉。可是我还是决定写点什么，因为我已经好久没有过这么强烈的幸福感了。

Hamilton是一部我从大一就开始迷恋的音乐剧，是因为在合唱团时做了一个Hamilton的专题才开始疯狂单曲循环的。故事讲的是Alexander Hamilton从一个孤儿、无名小卒，一步一步通过自己的努力为美国创立了改变美国经济状况的财务系统，成为了美国国父之一。剧本不仅体现了所谓的“通过努力就可以成功”的美国梦，还尽量的中立地描写了人性的脆弱伟大和人生的无常。加上Lin-Manuel Miranda把音乐剧和hip hop结合，旋律也很燃，Hamilton就变成了我大学三年来每次走不下去就会听的曲目之一。这次终于看到了现场版，效果超出了自己的想象，自然到现在还是很激动。

大二到大三长大了很多，多次提笔，多次不知道从何写起，也不知道如何写清楚。因为我知道从前年少无知，以为世界和想象的一样简单，如果再只是为了写文章而写文章不过是在欺骗自己。我多少和Hamilton这个角色还是有共鸣的，出国这件事让我意识到我也不过是一个无名小卒，可又想实现自己的价值和寻找到人生的意义（并不是说人生一定要有意义）。矛盾的自我加上背井离乡，我乱了阵脚，潜意识里开始自己惩罚自己。

And starting from here, I'd like to switch to English. For the people interested to read, and for myself to have privacy to a certain extent. 

Mental health was never a problem for me until the first semester of college. I fell. I fell hard. If you didn't think you could get sick and wake up with growing depressive symptoms the same way you catch a cold, I'd like to prove it possible. Days started getting gloomy, heaviness started clogging my chest, and helplessness started preventing my breath from helping me functioning on a day-to-day basis. Scarier and scarier thoughts haunt me with each day passing by. I was screaming for help every day in subtle ways, hoping that people would stop and just give me a hand, only to be left torn apart where I stood. Freshman year was hard, but I made a couple of friends who gave me a push and initiated my process of healing. I still think to this very day that these people will be my best friends.  

The entire second year, I was a tough motherfucker. Took on an incredible amount of work to numb myself. But I learned how to love a person, instead of loving for the sake of what I get in return. 

Everything collapsed again the end of my first semester of junior year. I would stay in bed all day, not doing work because I couldn't bring myself out of my bed, even though I know how important and precious time was during dead week. Things weren't great during the winter break either - I wasn't ready to move on and all those scary thoughts started coming back. I was on a trip back home with my best friend, the once in a lifetime kind of trip. But all I felt was suffocation and the urge to run away. I started developing sleeping issues too - never slept with the lights off ever since, thoughts racing through my head, thoughts that would force me on my phone for distraction, thoughts that would keep me up all night. And because of lack of sleep, anxiety started beating me up too. I broke down one night when two of my best friends were trying to keep me company. I yelled at my best friend, as if he owed me everything, as if he was the reason why my mental health is not ok - even though he is probably one of the most important reasons why I'm still standing up today. I screamed all my dark, toxic thoughts out loud, flooding him with all those careless "mistakes" that he's made, with all the wrongs the world has done me. I scolded him so that he can leave, so that I'm not his problem any more. And he did, leaving me in a karaoke room singing my depressive shit out. He came back around 10 minutes later, and shoved all his feelings down to care for mine first, as he told me the next day. And that's why I will be forever grateful for him and love him whatever happens.

After I confessed my suicidal thoughts to my best friends, it's as if I just found one of the most magical cures. I started coping with all my problems, slowed down, and just took the pain life has thrown my way. And I know it's still a long road down.

所以站在二十的转角上，我不对未来报有盲目的幻想。我希望我活在当下，照顾好自己最爱的人，不退缩，有问题就解决问题，有目标有计划的走向自己想要的未来。Be resilient. Make mistakes. And never throw away my shot.