做一个温柔的妈妈

今天讲的是沟通风格，沟通风格有四种直接型、主动型、支持型、分析型，我昨天又做了一遍测试，毫无疑问，直接型得分最高，我就是这样，着急，一句就到头，我习惯了用简洁明了的方式表达自己的想法，认为这样最高效，最省时间。这样的风格，说实话，对亲人来说，有点残忍，尤其是我那个高需求、敏感的女儿，是多么的不友好。面对我这样说话风格的妈妈，她一天要哭三百回。

比如她说，妈妈，我今天有点不开心，我说怎么了，她说，因为老师没选我，选了别人，我说那你就看看别人有什么做的好，然后她开始哭，我就说，你看，别人肯定不会这样哭。她哭得更厉害了。我看着她伤心的小脸和失落的身影，心中满是愧疚。我意识到，我的直接和急躁，就像一把利刃，刺伤了她那颗脆弱的心。我忽略了她内心的感受，没有给她足够的安慰和理解，只是用简单粗暴的方式试图让她接受现实，却让她感受到了老师和妈妈的双重否定，陷入了更深的难过之中。

早上起床，叫她快点，要迟到了，叫了两遍，还不动，我的气就上来了，生气了。又开始说一些很伤人的话，比如是你迟到，又不是我迟到。可我却没有想过，她可能是因为前一天睡得晚，身体不舒服，或者只是不想面对新的一天的压力。我只是一味地催促，没有给她一点缓冲的时间和空间。在没事的时候，女儿总喜欢问我，妈妈，你爱我吗？我说爱，再回答两次，开始不耐烦，她就会委屈地看着我，说：“妈妈，你又凶我了。”那一刻，我的心像是被针扎了一下。我甚至都不觉得自己在凶，她就已经受伤了。我明白了，我的急躁和直接，让孩子感受到了压力和恐惧，而不是温暖和爱。我开始反思自己的沟通方式。我知道，我不能一直这样下去，我需要改变，为了我的女儿，我怕把她伤得体无完肤。我开始学习其他沟通风格的优点。我尝试着用支持型的方式去鼓励她，当她遇到困难时，不再只是简单地让她向别人学习，而是先肯定她的努力，再和她一起分析问题，寻找解决方法。比如，当她考试成绩不好时，我会温柔地对她说：“宝贝，妈妈知道你已经很努力了，没关系，我们一起看看哪里出了问题，下次一定可以做得更好。”我发现，当我说出这些话的时候，女儿的眼睛里会有光，她不再害怕失败，而是充满了信心和勇气。

我也学会了用分析型的方式去倾听她的想法。当她和我分享她的烦恼时，我不再急于给出自己的意见，而是耐心地听她把话说完，然后和她一起分析事情的前因后果。比如，当她和朋友闹矛盾时，我会问她：“宝贝，你能和妈妈说说事情的经过吗？”然后，我会和她一起分析，是自己的问题还是朋友的问题，如果是自己的问题，该如何改正；如果是朋友的问题，该如何和朋友沟通。通过这种方式，女儿学会了更包容、理性地看待问题，而不是只有哭和生气。当然，我也保留了自己直接型的优点。我会用简洁明了的方式告诉女儿我的想法，但不再像以前那样急躁。比如，当她做错了事时，我会直接告诉她：“宝贝，停，不行……”然后，我会和她一起探讨正确的做法，让她明白自己的错误，而不是一味地指责。当我心急的时候，我就打住，当我想打断她说话时，我会试图让自己更耐心一些，她愿意和我分享她的喜怒哀乐，我也能更好地理解她的内心世界。我深深地体会到，沟通风格并不是一成不变的，沟通风格是要为我们沟通所服务的，如果讲了，没有用，或者只有反作用，那就还不如不沟通。所有的沟通的前提是用心和平等，没有用心和平等，再多风格也没用，现在我的女儿会跟我说， 妈妈，你又要生气了，你又开始不高兴了，然后我也提醒自己，微笑，耐心，做一个温柔的妈妈。我特地重新做了一遍沟通风格的演讲，是因为我发现了自己沟通上的问题，我也请大家监督我，当我对女儿着急的时候，请大家告诉我，慢慢来，不着急；当我开始想对小孩发火的时候，请大家提醒我，温柔点。

为了孩子，做更好的自己，做温柔的妈妈！谢谢大家！

Today I'd like to talk about communication styles. There are four types: direct, proactive, supportive, and analytical. I took the test again On Wednesday, and without a doubt, I scored the highest in the direct style. That's just me - I'm in a hurry and get straight to the point. I'm used to expressing my thoughts in a clear and concise way, believing it's the most efficient and time-saving. To be honest, this style can be a bit harsh on my loved ones, especially my high-maintenance and sensitive daughter. It's so unfriendly to her. Facing a mother who talks like this, she cries three hundred times a day.

For instance, she said, "Mom, I'm a bit unhappy today." I asked, "Why?" She replied, "Because the teacher chose someone else instead of me." I said, "Then you should look at what others did well." She began to cry. I said, "Look, others won't cry like this." She cried even harder. Looking at her sad little face and dejected figure, I felt full of guilt. I realized that my directness and impatience were like a sharp knife, stabbing her fragile heart. I ignored her inner feelings and didn't give her enough comfort and understanding. I just tried to make her accept the reality in a simple and rough way, which made her feel doubly rejected by the teacher and me, and plunged her into deeper sadness.

In the morning, when I woke her up and told her to hurry up because we were going to be late, I called her twice but she still didn't move. I got angry and started saying hurtful words, like "It's you who will be late, not me." But I didn't think about the possibility that she might have gone to bed late the previous night, felt unwell, or just didn't want to face the pressure of a new day. I just kept urging her without giving her any time or space to adjust. When there was nothing going on, my daughter always liked to ask me, "Mom, do you love me?" I would say yes, and after answering twice, I would start to get impatient. She would look at me pitifully and say, "Mom, you're being mean to me again." At that moment, my heart felt like it was pricked by a needle. I didn't even realize I was being mean, but she was already hurt. I understood that my impatience and directness made my child feel pressured and scared, rather than warm and loved. I began to reflect on my communication style. I knew I couldn't go on like this. I needed to change, for my daughter's sake. I was afraid of hurting her beyond repair. I started to learn the advantages of other communication styles. I tried to encourage her in a supportive way. When she encountered difficulties, I no longer simply told her to learn from others. Instead, I first affirmed her efforts and then analyzed the problem with her and looked for solutions together. For example, when she got a bad grade on an exam, I would gently say to her, "Sweetheart, Mom knows you've tried your best. It's okay. Let's look at where the problem lies together. You'll do better next time." I found that when I said these words, there would be a light in her eyes. She was no longer afraid of failure but was filled with confidence and courage.

I have also learned to listen to her thoughts in an analytical way. When she shares her troubles with me, I no longer rush to give my opinions but patiently listen to her until she finishes speaking, and then we analyze the causes and consequences of the matter together. For instance, when she has a conflict with a friend, I would ask her, "Sweetheart, can you tell Mom what happened?" Then, we would analyze together whether it's her problem or her friend's, and if it's her problem, how to correct it; if it's her friend's, how to communicate with her friend. Through this approach, my daughter has learned to view problems more inclusively and rationally instead of just crying and getting angry. Of course, I still retain my directness. I would tell my daughter my thoughts in a straightforward way, but not as impatiently as before. For example, when she does something wrong, I would directly tell her, "Sweetheart, stop. That's not right..." Then, I would discuss with her the correct way to do it, helping her understand her mistake instead of just criticizing her. When I am in a hurry, I would stop myself. When I want to interrupt her, I would try to be more patient. She is willing to share her joys and sorrows with me, and I can better understand her inner world. I deeply realize that communication styles are not set in stone; they should serve our communication. If what is said is useless or has a negative effect, it's better not to communicate at all. The premise of all communication is to be sincere and equal. Without sincerity and equality, no matter what style is used, it's of no use. Now my daughter would say to me, "Mom, you're going to get angry again. You're starting to be unhappy." Then I remind myself to smile, be patient, and be a gentle mother. I specially gave the communication style speech again because I discovered my communication problems. I also ask everyone to supervise me. When I get impatient with my daughter, please tell me to take it slow and not to be in a hurry. When I start to want to lose my temper with the child, please remind me to be gentle.

For our children, let's be gentle mothers! Thank you all!